Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Reason #632 Why I'm Single

It occured to me, this morning, that I resemble Javier Bardem. And not the Eat, Pray, Love version of Javier Bardem. No, no. I look like Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men.


Except not.

I clearly need a hair cut.

And a plastic surgeon.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Calm Blue Ocean... Calm Blue Ocean

The cleaners at work have switched cleaning products. They used to use a blue toilet bowl cleaner. You’d use the washroom in the morning and the water would be a bright turquoise. It was like urinating in the Caribbean.

Now the waters are a pale yellow. Every morning I walk in, look down and think “who the hell didn’t flush… and why didn’t they wipe their ass?!”

I miss Jamaica.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Why I Love My Friends

Because I can say this:

And, upon announcing my safety, get this:

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Fill 'er Up

I was at the coffee shop today when the woman in front of me handed her to-go mug to the woman behind the till and said "I'll get a refill". The coffee shop worker then asked, in apparent disbelief at what it was the woman was wanting,"what?", to which the woman simply stated "a refill". "A refill of what", said the worker. "Coffee", said the woman with the to-go cup. "Cream or sugar?", came the next query. "Two of each, please", replied the woman. At this point the worker opened the to go cup, looked inside and stated "there's a teabag in here". The woman simply replied "oh ya... you can rinse that out".

Now excuse me if I'm mistaken but, to me, the term 'refill' means putting filling something up with whatever was in there last. And unless the person who is doing the filling was the original person to fill said thing in the first time they really wouldn't know what the 're' in 'refill' would be, right? And, surely, it would come as a surprise, then, to open a cup to 'refill' it with coffee... only to find a teabag, right? And call me crazy, but I wasn't aware that when you use a to-go cup you don't actually have to clean it, the restaurant, coffee shop, etc will do it for you. I mean, really? As a consumer that disturbs me. After all, when was the last time you saw someone pour a cup of coffee without resting the rim of the coffee pot on the cup being filled? The last time I saw that I'm pretty sure was in a move and it involved a silver plated teapot and a French waiter with a fancy-assed mustache. The whole situation seemed odd to me.

And I'm referring this morning's coffee shop incident... not the French waitstaff.

On a side note, the coffee place I go to now knows my order by heart, which would be reasonable if I ordered a 'regular' or a 'double double' but, alas, I do not. But I figure it's okay... since it's not like I'm asking for a refill.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Asleep on the Job

I've never understood people who fall asleep at work, probably because I don't fall asleep easily, but I'm pretty sure there are some jobs where you just shouldn't be caught sleeping on the job. Like air traffic controllers.

Or this guy:

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How to Survive... Survivor

It's what... the 40th season of Survivor?!? How is it that contestants are still showing up on the island wearing nothing more than their underwear or Armani suit? Do they pick these people up at work or the tanning salon? Surely they must have some notice. I mean, really... A suit? You deem that as appropriate attire for a jungle adventure? And to the dude in the poorly fitting, faded red undies... Seriously?!? You forgot your swim trunks? This is a month long trip to an island, not a weekend getaway to the Super 8.

Here are the top 10 things I would wear if I were a contestant on Survivor. And by 'wear' I mean constantly. Or at least from the time I'm told I'm going to be on the show until I'm apparently abducted and taken to the island.

10. 8 pairs of underwear. I came to this number by dividing the maximum number of days on the island (30) plus estimated days for travel (2) by the fact I can wear a pair of underwear normally... and inside out and not have my dirty bits touch, well, the dirty bits. I then divided again by 2 figuring that, worst case scenario, I get voted out mid-way through (no sense jinxing things by being cocky) or, best case scenario, I have to wear each pair twice (which is actually four times if you're keeping track of inside out verses right side in).

9. Tear away pants. Because, yes, it's the jungle but even jungles get chilly at night. Especially in the rain season, which seems to be when Survivor likes to do their filming (I bet they get better hotel rates in the off season). And tear away pants? Are a great way to celebrate after winning an immunity challenge. Nothing says "I win" like ripping your pants off. Am I right?!?

8. A rain suit. Not a rain jacket or a pair of water resistant pants but, rather, a rain suit... complete with a hooded poncho because a) ponchos are cool, and b) it's a fun word to say. (Pon-cho!) I might be willing to substitute a poncho for a rain hat. But only if it's Yellow.

7. A bikini top... with a sports bra sewn into it. And by 'a' sports bra I mean 'two' because have you seen some of those girls doing the challenges? They should not be running, they're going to hurt themselves. In place of a bikini bottom I would wear board shorts because, hello, 30 days in the jungle? Bushy. And why a bikini over a one piece, besides the obvious convenience factor when it comes to using the bathroom (aka hole in the ground)? Because girl who's a picky eater is going to lose weight when her only options are fish, rice without soy sauce and not eating. And girl wants her skinniness documented. On. National. TV. (why is it called National television when, clearly, the fact I'm in Canada watching an American TV show that's filmed in the tropics, by definition, implies it's INTERnational TV?

6. Sunglasses. With one of those dummy string things that goes around the neck. Because I'll be dammed if I'm losing my spectacles in a water challenge.

5. A travel pillow. You know... the ones that wrap around your neck. And if that goes against the rules then a neck brace. I could have whiplash... I'd like to see them prove otherwise. Neck support is crucial. Especially when sleeping on a log.

4. Runners. Because people in flip flops (or dress shoes) are dumb. I briefly considered wearing flippers (and a snorkel mask instead of sunglasses) but I didn't want to get carried away. Because this list is *clearly* not about getting carried away.

3. A necklace. And should said necklace look like an immunity idol than so be it. I don't dictate fashion... I just follow it.

2. A beekeepers hat. Have you *seen* the bugs in a jungle?!? I would also consider a welder's mask, in lieu of a beekeeper hat. But only if my rain hat, sunglasses and travel pillow (and/or neck brace) would fit underneath.

1. And last, but definitely not least, a hoodie footie. It's like a snuggie, but different. Did I mention I'd be sleeping on a log?

There are other things I'd like to wear. Like one of those rings that doubles as a can opener. And fishing hooks as earrings. But, like I said earlier, there's no need to get carried away.

Now where did I put my flint belt buckle...

Monday, January 17, 2011

In It to Win It

I don't get pinatas.

I mean, I understand the allure of anything full of candy. Really, I do. But if I were a kid (and I think we might all agree I am) I don't think I'd want to be the one to break open the pinata. Because, hello, by the time you realize what's going on, take off your blindfold and orient yourself in relation to said candy all the other kids have already grabbed most of the candy. How is that fair?!? Seems, to me, like the goal would be to NOT break the pinata. I mean look at this kid... she's not even trying to get the candy!?!?

Sometimes the best way to win is to not win at all.

I made that up myself.

I'm like Mia D'Angelo... except different.