Friday, April 24, 2009

The Tipping Point

Not too long ago, my mom and I went out for supper. And that's not even the amazing part... the thing is... I ordered a salad!

We were at a posh restaurant and, as with most posh restaurants (really I just like to prove I can spell 'restaurant', hence my reiteration), the menu consisted mainly of wild meat and fish. Now let me be clear: I have no real moral objection to such things. Sure, the cuter the animal the harder I have consuming it but, really, unless it's sitting directly across from me batting its eyelashes I can usually get over it. The thing is... I have texture issues. When someone says 'mmmmm... this steak melts in your mouth' you can usually find me trying to avoid a potential gag situation by discretely spitting said meat into my napkin or covertly smooshing it under my plate, where everyone is none the wiser. (Except the person who clears the table, of course) If there's a dog in the vicinity this is really the best scenario, although I find typically find fido's indiscretion towards loud chewing and public displays of enjoyment counteract my stealth operations.

Heck, I even have a problem with ravioli (must it be so slippery and smooth-like?!?). It goes without saying that tapioca is a complete write-off. I'm aware, mentally, of what it is but while my commonsense says 'plant, plant, plant' my emotions say 'fish eyes, fish eyes, fish eyes'. And, as with most situations in life, my emotions always win.

But I digress (you seem surprised?!?)... the point of my story is I ordered a salad. And even though it goes against my basic belief that one should never pay for salad (technically momsie paid so I figured I had found a loophole) I must say it was really, really good! It was a bacon-wrapped goat cheese salad. Thus reaffirming the fact that bacon improves absolutely everything... although I'm still a tad concerned by the squeez bacon but am surprisingly intrigued by the baconnaise and, really, how can you argue with such slogans as 'Everything Should Taste Like Bacon' and 'There's Always Room for Bacon'? So, in my latest and greatest attempt at weight loss, I decided that I would 'for sure' eat salad everyday if I had a bacon and goat cheese salad.

And so I set out to cook a package of bacon. I figured wrapping the goat cheese was a bit much, plus I like crispy bacon (again, texture issues) so I'd try a new trick.... bakin' bacon* in the oven! I'd seen it done and figured 'how hard could it be'. Plus... I Googled 'how to cook bacon in the oven'... what could possibly go wrong?!?

And so I set forth following the instructions. Turn on oven? Check. Line pan with tin foil? Check. Put bacon on pan? Check. Put pan in oven? Check. Watch carefully? Partial-check. I began my quest with intent to watch closely, I really did. The instructions said it could take anywhere from 12 to 45 minutes. And I dutifully checked it every couple of minutes, but after 20 minutes it was still very much raw and not crispy in the least. Normal logic seemed to imply that if wasn't even half-cooked after 20 minutes then, surely, it would take twice as much time, at least... right? RIGHT?!?!

Wrong.

Apparently there's some sort of critical threshold and a bacon's crispness factor is exponentially related to the time it's been in the oven. I thought it was odd, 5 minutes later, when the house filled will smoke. Thick, black (okay, grey... I do tend to exaggerate) smoke. I ran to the oven, flung open the door... only to find what was, only moments ago, a full sheet of glorious miraculous meat had now become shriveled, disintegrated garbage.

I could have cried.

So I did what any reasonable person would do... I threw out that bacon (sure, I'll throw out $430 worth of rotten veggies without regret but to loose my $4 bacon felt morally wrong) and compromised... instead of salad for supper I stuffed a steak (yes it is possible) with goat cheese and jalapenos and accompanied it with a nice glass of white wine and 2 episodes of 30 Rock.

My diet is going wonderfully, thank you for asking!

I also lit a few candles, opened a window and washed all my towels and bedding. Even though the bathroom/bedrooms are furthest from the kitchen my pillow still reeked of bacon 2 days later.

I don't know why I have adult acne... could it be because my pillow is laced with bacon fat?!?

Nah...


*did you catch that play on words, did you? Did you?!?!?

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