Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How to Survive... Survivor

It's what... the 40th season of Survivor?!? How is it that contestants are still showing up on the island wearing nothing more than their underwear or Armani suit? Do they pick these people up at work or the tanning salon? Surely they must have some notice. I mean, really... A suit? You deem that as appropriate attire for a jungle adventure? And to the dude in the poorly fitting, faded red undies... Seriously?!? You forgot your swim trunks? This is a month long trip to an island, not a weekend getaway to the Super 8.

Here are the top 10 things I would wear if I were a contestant on Survivor. And by 'wear' I mean constantly. Or at least from the time I'm told I'm going to be on the show until I'm apparently abducted and taken to the island.

10. 8 pairs of underwear. I came to this number by dividing the maximum number of days on the island (30) plus estimated days for travel (2) by the fact I can wear a pair of underwear normally... and inside out and not have my dirty bits touch, well, the dirty bits. I then divided again by 2 figuring that, worst case scenario, I get voted out mid-way through (no sense jinxing things by being cocky) or, best case scenario, I have to wear each pair twice (which is actually four times if you're keeping track of inside out verses right side in).

9. Tear away pants. Because, yes, it's the jungle but even jungles get chilly at night. Especially in the rain season, which seems to be when Survivor likes to do their filming (I bet they get better hotel rates in the off season). And tear away pants? Are a great way to celebrate after winning an immunity challenge. Nothing says "I win" like ripping your pants off. Am I right?!?

8. A rain suit. Not a rain jacket or a pair of water resistant pants but, rather, a rain suit... complete with a hooded poncho because a) ponchos are cool, and b) it's a fun word to say. (Pon-cho!) I might be willing to substitute a poncho for a rain hat. But only if it's Yellow.

7. A bikini top... with a sports bra sewn into it. And by 'a' sports bra I mean 'two' because have you seen some of those girls doing the challenges? They should not be running, they're going to hurt themselves. In place of a bikini bottom I would wear board shorts because, hello, 30 days in the jungle? Bushy. And why a bikini over a one piece, besides the obvious convenience factor when it comes to using the bathroom (aka hole in the ground)? Because girl who's a picky eater is going to lose weight when her only options are fish, rice without soy sauce and not eating. And girl wants her skinniness documented. On. National. TV. (why is it called National television when, clearly, the fact I'm in Canada watching an American TV show that's filmed in the tropics, by definition, implies it's INTERnational TV?

6. Sunglasses. With one of those dummy string things that goes around the neck. Because I'll be dammed if I'm losing my spectacles in a water challenge.

5. A travel pillow. You know... the ones that wrap around your neck. And if that goes against the rules then a neck brace. I could have whiplash... I'd like to see them prove otherwise. Neck support is crucial. Especially when sleeping on a log.

4. Runners. Because people in flip flops (or dress shoes) are dumb. I briefly considered wearing flippers (and a snorkel mask instead of sunglasses) but I didn't want to get carried away. Because this list is *clearly* not about getting carried away.

3. A necklace. And should said necklace look like an immunity idol than so be it. I don't dictate fashion... I just follow it.

2. A beekeepers hat. Have you *seen* the bugs in a jungle?!? I would also consider a welder's mask, in lieu of a beekeeper hat. But only if my rain hat, sunglasses and travel pillow (and/or neck brace) would fit underneath.

1. And last, but definitely not least, a hoodie footie. It's like a snuggie, but different. Did I mention I'd be sleeping on a log?

There are other things I'd like to wear. Like one of those rings that doubles as a can opener. And fishing hooks as earrings. But, like I said earlier, there's no need to get carried away.

Now where did I put my flint belt buckle...


brenthowarth said...

I haven't watched it yet but maybe I'll check it out.

womb for improvement said...

I'd wear a traditional male Scottish outfit because it come with a "sgian dubh" (a knife) - it is part of the outfit and if it comes in handy then so be it. Of course the slight problem with that is you aren't supposed to wear any underwear with a kilt, which could lead to folk getting more than an eye full.

Nikkie said...

Great list, I admit you're totally prepared for the abduction. Please get carried away and post more of this, laughed tears!